If at the beginning of the summer I had to patiently work with Grandpa to get him to eat three meals a day, by the end of the summer he was only eating one meal—and that only if I fed it to him myself.
He breathes regularly, quietly, his eyes closed, his body slowly consuming itself in a determined effort to keep going. The last time he really ate or drank anything of substance was on Friday the 4th of September, and we are now to Wednesday the 9th. Grandpa was becoming too tired to live. Today I will write about saying goodbye.
Grandpa became a little sick, and the cold made him more tired. So, Essays about goodbye though his mind has shut down so that he does not interact with the world, and does not remember how to eat or drink, his body still continues on. But whenever we have to move him to change his diaper his frail body—and especially his lifelong problem with back pain—flares up and he spasms and whimpers in pain whenever he is changed.
I wanted to write about the laughter and lightness we made in the midst of the darkness. Saying Goodbye September 9th, There were many things I wanted to write before this, but life never goes in the neat little order we desire.
Oh, cruel, cruel world. The most painful thing for me is that he can still feel pain and discomfort. Yes, Grandpa has only a few more days left. I could feed him breakfast, but beyond that point his mind became too exhausted to eat. If we have him propped up carefully with pillows supporting various parts of his body he appears to be mostly comfortable.
What does all of this have to do with saying goodbye?
One could call it a coma, but sometimes, for a brief moment, he opens his eyes a bit, and if you are lucky he will drag them into focus to look in that instant at the world, before letting his eyes drift back shut.
But that long goodbye has slipped by, and if I have failed to write about the things I have done, at least I have done them. His body recovered from the cold, but his mind decided it had finished the fight.
So I give him some water with the eyedropper and he chokes because he can only swallow by reflex now and when he chokes he feels like he is drowning and the expression on his face makes me sorry I gave him something to drink.
I concluded that he would not last through the winter. He woke up for increasingly brief periods of time, increasingly unwilling to eat or drink, and slipped into a semi-comatose state.
And then I wonder if he is thirsty. He wanted to sleep, to rest quietly, and to not be troubled with the troubles of life anymore. What did he want to do?
If I said he was dying that would be true, but not very precise. How can you distill a life down to a few words? I feel like we are putting him on the torture rack whenever we must do that.
I wanted to write about how Grandpa and I would laugh together, the foolish games we would play, and how I would tease him. He is still conscious of sounds, he recognizes voices, and he even smiled when someone laughed in his hearing. His mind has given up, and all that remains is for his body to catch up.Hugging Death: Essays on Motherhood and Saying Goodbye - Kindle edition by Jean Knight Pace.
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